girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
