don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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