How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize