somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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