Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
