you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
