she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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