I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
