Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
