My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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