I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize