now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
they need to just BURY HIM!
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I wish there were birth control emojis
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
