The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
