Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
