we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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