if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
