Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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