I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
