Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
