I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
