I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
