We're like a lot better than the average bears
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Found your dick twin last night
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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