Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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