How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
