so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
