My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
