____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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