I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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