remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
