Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
