my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize