i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Randomize
