Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
