dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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