i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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