My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
