I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
