That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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