someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
