We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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