My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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