highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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