How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
