my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
