some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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