i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Drunk is a universal language darling
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
