I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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