Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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