are you still at the devil's house?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
