i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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