I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
