do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
