I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
