In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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