I molested 6 butterflies tonight
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
false alarm. still invincible.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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