Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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