who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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