you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
